Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Differences Between Courtship and Recreational Dating

         My friends, dating is a dangerous ritual that has crept into the temple of God through the cracks we’ve ignored and the truth we’ve denied. In fact, some men have proudly ushered kicked the door open for it come in by spreading it’s practices as something that comes from God, Himself. No matter the way you see it, notice how you still long for answers when the way you’ve been told works, doesn’t.

         Consider how the ‘church’ has even accepted the pagan holiday we know as Halloween. How foolish! I’ve had men tell me that I’m ‘deep’ and that it is fun to dress like your favorite idols, invite fear into your heart and seek to scare others. Notice the holiday doesn’t glorify God at all. So, like so many, you’ll improvise by dressing like an angel while still living like a demon. Please go somewhere with that, my friend. I’ve noticed how churches have decided to assist satan by invoking fear into the hearts of God’s people by scaring them with the fear of hell rather than inviting them with the love of God. They use Christ as a whip to beat the heads of unbelievers. My friends, Christ is not to be used as a fear tactic. It does us no good to scare someone to believe. Rather, we should proclaim to them the truth, and the truth is this: that Christ died so that they may live. And, that He now lives and has risen! Glory to God!

         Nonetheless, let us not get off track here. Let us go back to dating. Typically, we have a system as it relates to dating. The man is to approach the woman. We’ve actually gotten so backwards nowadays that I hear men say that it is okay for women to approach the man. Do they not realize that giving women such authority in leadership strips man of his? I know some women may not want to read that, but understand that you, as a woman, desire to marry a man. So, why strip him of his ability to lead by initiating the relationship? Are you that lonely that you must force yourself towards him? Is it he is not moving fast enough? Maybe that should be a clear sign to you. If he fails to initiate the approach to you, I wonder what else in his life he fails to initiate. He probably has a long line of lingering issues because he doesn’t want to face or initiate them. After the man or woman initiates the other, the relationship is conducted outside the oversight or authority of the man or woman’s family, church or father. Usually, the man offers to take the woman out for dinner and a movie. Or, he’ll seek to do something romantic. Usually, his ultimate goal is a passionate night of kissing. If he is a gentleman, he won’t seek sex on the first night. He’ll at least try to wait to the third or fourth date before he goes in for it. That’s his way of saying he actually ‘respects’ her. That’s so foolish! What’s even funnier is that women actually buy it. If the woman is a lady, she’ll give him a short kiss at the end of the night. However, she’ll think about him all night. That only intensifies the fire and creates a great place for lust to breed. Satan rejoices in it. After a couple dates, the two have probably had sex. If they haven’t had sex, they’ve done some heavy petting or found a way to grow the lust that was once dormant inside both of them. If all works out between the two, they’ll move in together to play marriage. This only complicates more things. And if either of the two cries for it long enough, they’ll get married. Usually, this marriage doesn’t last too long, so I wouldn’t spend big money on the wedding gift. My wife and I don’t even attend the weddings. We’d rather watch paint dry.

         Now, notice some of the things we’ve adopted as if they actually come from the Bible. And before I list these things, I must tell you that the Bible doesn’t speak of the type of ‘dating’ we’ve adopted in our society.

A. “Playing the field” vs. Commitment to one person
1.   Modern dating advocates exploring your options to determine what it is you want in a mate.
2.   Biblical courtship focuses on a goal where all emotional and physical intimacy is reserved for just one person, your spouse.

B.  Alone time vs. Supervised time
1.   Modern dating assumes all time spent with the relator should be done in private.
2.          Biblical courtship advocates spending time where the two are supervised in group activities, family or with the church.

C.  Deep connection vs. Real commitment
1.                  Modern dating assumes that you should know all there is to know about this person before making a commitment, marriage, or that you should know this person more deeply than you do anyone else in the world.
2.                Biblical courtship believes that real commitment to the person precedes a high level of intimacy. This lessens the amount of your heart you give away to undeserving people.

D.  Meeting my needs vs. Ministry and service to God
1.                Modern dating assumes that the relator should ‘meet all my needs and desires.’ This is self-centered and not biblical.
2.                Biblical courtship suggests that the relationship should be a ministry and service unto the glory of God. It has no foundation in self-gratification.

E.   High intimacy vs. Low to no intimacy
1.                Modern dating teaches that you should have a high level of emotional connection with the person, and you should assume that there will be some physical involvement, i.e. kissing, touching, sex, etc.
2.                Biblical courtship teaches there is to be NO physical intimacy and very limited to  no emotional intimacy outside of marriage.

F.   Private decision vs. Spiritual accountability
1.                Modern dating says that who I date and what I do when I date someone is my business.
2.                Biblical courtship says that there is a level of spiritual accountability.

G.   Finding vs. Being
1.                Modern dating is all about ‘finding’ the right person for ‘me’.
2.                Biblical courtship is all about ‘being’ the right person to serve my future spouse’s needs and being one who glorifies God in marriage.

H.   Intimacy vs. Commitment
1.  Modern dating puts intimacy before commitment.
2.  Biblical courtship puts commitment before intimacy.

I.     Act like we’re married vs. Really get married
1.  Modern dating says that we should act like we’re already married. If we like it, it’s official. If we don’t, we will have a pre-divorce.
2.  Biblical courtship says that Scripture guides us as to how to find a mate and marry. And, we are not to act like we are in a marriage-level commitment until the commitment truly exists before the Lord.

To Be Continued………


  1. Unfortunately, I was not a virgin when I got married. However, I endeavored to make my relationship with my then-girlfriend different, so I placed several boundaries in our relationship. My wife and I didn't kiss until our wedding day. We didn't go to late movies or eat dinner late. We didn't sleep under the same roof. We kept people around us to stay supervised. I knew, as the man, I needed to do something different and stay serious about remaining pure in the relationship. I'm glad I did because now my marriage is one some dream about.

  2. That's great! Because most people are not praticing what they are preaching, it drives me crazy! It lets me know that it can be done.

  3. I agree. I didn't know what I know now back then. However, once I heard the truth I endeavored to do it the right way. Thankfully, I did by God's grace. Now, I proclaim that same truth to others with hopes they will do the same. Thanks for sharing.

  4. My husband and I lived together before we got married. We knew it was wrong but still did it, like anybody and everybody that sins but by the glory of our glorious God, my husband and I have such an amazing marriage. God is truly amazing and He works in so many different ways. We truly are blessed that God never gave up on us even through our lowest times, He knew we would go back to Him and we sure have. Now, our marriage is all about GOD... It's amazing!


  5. I agree with this one and I'm so amazed about this very informative post. Putting God first is the best and can give you a very satisfying life ever! There's really a big difference between modern dating and biblical courtship and I don't know if how many people out there still practicing the biblical courtship. As of now, I could see that they practice the modern one!

  6. I agree with this one and I'm so amazed about this very informative post. Putting God first is the best and can give you a very satisfying life ever! There's really a big difference between modern dating and biblical courtship and I don't know if how many people out there still practicing the biblical courtship. As of now, I could see that they practice the modern one!

  7. Thanks so much for writing all these things I've been reading & learning so much from you & your wife. I really want to do things right in courtship & this helped so much.

  8. My girlfriend and i are "dating" before we stumbled into this truth. We are christians but messed up badly (heavy petting). Are we supposed to break up necessarily or we can get things right from here as we have repented and want to start afresh. Please advice us.

    1. Repent of those actions. Commit to one another that y'all are going make changes. It's going to take both of you to make the adjustment. Then, setup the appropriate boundaries. You do not have to end the relationship. Just be sure you continue on in faith and truth purposed to honor God. Stay focused.