Friday, January 13, 2012

Dealing with Baby Daddy Drama


            Paul, one of our great Apostles of the Gospel, was specifically sent to spread the Good News to the Gentiles. Paul was a man of great accomplishments. He was born an Israelite to the tribe of Benjamin, an ardent student of Pharisaism, a strict follower of the Torah and well-versed in Aramaic language. We all know about his conversion on the road to Damascus when his life suddenly took a turn for the better. Even with all these great accomplishments and his great conversion to a true disciple of Jesus Christ, Paul was never married. However, this did not stop the Apostle Paul from advising the Church in Ephesus on marriage. Paul is very clear in noting that he does not come to give more law but to encourage them with some kind of standard and order to follow. This can be rather ambiguous; however, it will make sense as we continue.

            Paul is vitally important to mention in this because I do not have children or a "baby momma." I do not have experience with having children or experience raising children.
On the same note, I have yet to see Heaven; however, that doesn’t tell me it doesn’t exist. I have yet to travel to Paris, France. That doesn’t mean it’s imaginary just because I have yet to step foot there. I say this because there are many who condemn others for speaking on certain subjects because they have not been given experience in that subject. Usually, the saying, “Well, you don’t know what I go through because you’re not in it.” is used by someone who doesn't trust the giver of the information because s/he lacks experience. I don't believe experience is the best judge of wisdom. If that was the case, there would be no old fools. I would caution you not to be so judgmental. Think soberly about the sources, and depend on God to give you the proper assurance in trusting that the wisdom is sound and tested by written Scripture. Nevertheless, let’s begin.

Dealing with the Drama

            I grew up in a household where both my mother and my father were present. I like to say that my father was definitely present; however, he was silent. He didn’t say too much when he was at home. Neither did he teach me too many things. That didn’t matter though. Thankfully, he didn’t leave the scene and let go of his responsibility.

            It’s alarming how many single mothers we have raising our children. It’s as if the fathers have totally abandoned the scene. It’s a pretty bad situation. If the father is in the child’s life, there could still be some heavy friction between the mother and the father. There could be several situations like: (1) the father doesn’t pay child support, (2) the father doesn’t come see his children, (3) the father doesn’t seek the better good for the children, (4) the father is very careless with his money in that he would rather spend money on himself or other women rather than on his children. I’m sure there are many more. I’ve seen countless women break down over the fact that they have had to raise children by themselves. They are barely making it week to week, but they are doing the best they can at what they have available. They have had to sacrifice their life for the betterment of their children; however, they love their children with all their heart. I cannot say I understand your pain and heartache, but I can applaud you from a distance for not aborting the process and being “man” enough to handle the responsibility alone even if the “boy” who helped father the children wasn’t.
            Along with that responsibility you have had to deal with the constant struggle of being lonely. I could only imagine how much you desire someone to be there in the house with you to help you maintain order with your children, provide for the household, protect you mentally and physically and provide for your sexual needs. I understand that it might be incredibly frustrating to always hear: “You need to be whole and complete in Jesus.” Although that is true, you still desire someone to hold you at night when you’re tired. You desire someone to cuddle and rock you to sleep. You desire someone to whisper softly in your ear and tell you everything will be all right. You desire so many things; however, you are left with the constant struggles of waking your child up in the mornings, fixing breakfast, getting him/her/them ready for school/event, you getting ready for work, him/her/them catching the bus, you catching the bus or driving to work, and so on and so on. I could only imagine how difficult it may be for you. However, there are some things you can do, and I want to make sure you are knowledgeable of them.
1.     Forgive yourself and the father. Most times we stay angry with ourselves for our mistakes. And, I use that word “mistakes” loosely. Your child is not a mistake, and I don’t want you to have resentment towards the child because you see him/her as one. Learn to forgive yourself of your past. Go to God and ask Him to help you forgive yourself. Ask Him to show you where you still hold any bitterness or hatred. Once it’s shown to you, let it go! Then, forgive the man who helped to father your children. On behalf of all the men, he’s not our spokesperson. Therefore, do not be angry at all men because of his lack of masculinity.
2.     Establish order. I can only imagine what you’re going through if “the other half” is very careless about picking up or trying to see his children. I’ve heard situation after situation where the mother is so upset that she grows bitter towards him because he will not pick up the kids on time, get them for his weekend visitations, take them to places he promised to take them or give them money he promised to give them. I could only imagine that level of frustration. Nevertheless, there’s a great way to deal with rebellion and disorderly conduct. Go with me to Proverbs 14:24. It reads, “He who spares his rod [of discipline] hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines diligently and punishes him early.” I know you’re probably wondering: “Look, I spank my children. This isn’t about them. It’s about their father!” I understand your frustration. If you look at the Verse, you’ll notice that it speaks about more than just spanking a child. This Verse deals with discipline. The purpose of discipline is to make sure the child is not rebellious later on in life by showing and practicing it early. Now, it’s probably safe to assume that the father of your children didn’t get that lesson early. So, let’s help him get it. Like Paul, I am not giving you a command from God to follow by law. I am giving you what I believe the Spirit of God is prompting me to say to you. As a recommendation to you, we’d recommend the following:
a.     Remarried. If remarried, allow for the husband to receive all communication from the children’s father. A husband shouldn’t put his wife in a position where she has to stress out over the immaturity of the children’s father. Your new husband should step in and receive all communication from the children’s father. In order to make this a smooth transition you need to have a sit-down conversation with the children’s father and your husband. Before sitting down with the children’s father, you and your husband should talk about the established order of how things will go. At this marital meeting, it should be made clear that the children’s father will not speak directly to you. Instead, he will call, text, smoke signal, etc. your husband. Once the established order has been set, the meeting should be planned and executed. There are a couple things to do at this meeting that are just and proper. First, everyone should remain respectful at all times. When discussing the new order, your husband should remain respectful with the children’s father. You, as the wife, should remain submissive and deflect everything back to your husband. If your children’s father asks you a question while sitting there, deflect the question back to your husband by looking directly at him and speaking to him only. Your husband should explain the order to your children’s father then explain his expectations and the penalties if these expectations aren’t followed. Then, your husband should ask the children’s father what his expectations are out of respect for him as a man. If this turns into a screaming match, it should be one-sided ONLY. The side that should be screaming is the side with the children’s father. Children scream when they don’t feel like their point is getting across. If screaming ensues, get up and walk away. Don’t entertain the argument. Now, I want you to understand the purpose of why you’re having this meeting. The purpose is: If your children’s father doesn’t understand order and discipline, it’s likely that the rod of discipline has ben spared in his life. That means he is now spoiled. You continue to spoil him by treating him like a child when you have to remind him to do things for HIS children. A man understands his responsibility and he does everything he has to do to take care of his responsibility. The purpose of the established order is give your children’s father the discipline he needs so that he is no longer spoiled. Have him to sign a contract, if you must. Do whatever you have to do to maintain order in your home. We both understand that he is the children’s father; however, you cannot make a man do something he doesn’t want to do.
b.     Single/Not Married. If you’re a single mother & not married you should seek to establish order. Don’t be afraid to go to court to have them establish some order. Allow for them to dictate the order he is to follow. By doing this, he will also have to deal with their consequences if he doesn’t follow the order they’ve created. If the process is more than what you can afford, seek to create order on your own. Establish order by devising an established plan for him to see the children, pay what’s needed, etc. Agree to meet with him and discuss the terms of the agreement like two adults. If he declines the invitation, make sure you let him know what the repercussions are for doing so. He’s a grown man, and you cannot afford to keep treating him like a little boy. If your son or daughter declined on doing what you asked for him/her to do, you’d reprimand them. That’s the penalty for breaking the law. Make sure you let him know what the law is according to the agreement. Also, make sure you let him know what the penalty is for breaking it. You should also speak with him and hear him out. Listen to why he cannot come pick up the kids on certain weekends. It could be that he has a valid issue. If the issue isn’t valid, don’t seek to play games with him any more. Stand firm on the fact that he has broken the law; therefore, he must be disciplined. You cannot continue to spoil him. He must be reprimanded.

Please understand that this is not just about you. You have children who will have to deal with the issues that follow living in a fatherless home. A mother can only do so much. I encourage you not to smother your children. Get them around some trustworthy men AFTER DOING YOUR HOMEWORK ON THEM. Enroll them in certain mentoring or athletic programs where they can learn discipline and structure. This is vital for them. Taking them to church is not going to be enough. Many of our children mask their issues with religion. They try to put on a show while acting like a fool behind the stage. Don’t be fooled. Your children, especially your young men, need a positive male role model to interact with him. He needs someone who can wrestle with him, challenge him mentally, reason with him, etc. A woman cannot teach a man how to be a man. A man needs a man to affirm him, lead him and prepare him. A woman cannot do that like a man.

As I stated above, I’m not with child or have I taken care of children. However, I have an unseen Teacher who teaches me His wisdom. He sits with me and guides my eyes to see what my flesh usually misses. I pray my obedience was a blessing to you. If you have any other questions, please feel free to email me at

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1 comment:

  1. This really blessed me! It helped me with being more confident when speaking of things that I have not personally experienced but knowing that The Holy Spirit spoke them to me directly to speak to someone else. Thank you! Please keep up the good work for the Kingdom! :)