Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Virgin Lips: 7 Reasons Why I Waited to Kiss My Wife on Our Wedding Day



It's no secret that I chose not to kiss my wife until we got married. Oftentimes, I'm asked why I would choose not to kiss her until our wedding day. I wanted to provide a response for men and women who were considering following this trend and ultimately making a decision that could properly shape their entire relationship. Here are my reasons:

1. A raging fire begins with a small flame. Have you ever noticed that a raging forest fire can begin with a small flame set ablaze on a lone leaf or from a small, unmanaged campfire? A kiss, which is seen as a small thing, can bring on "raging" consequences. In my past relationships, I didn't hesitate to kiss. It was all I knew to do to show my affection. It was the only thing I was ever taught. I didn't know anything different. Like most people, I was led by my emotions and my flesh. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and I wanted exactly the way I wanted it. I was trying to act like a man while living like an ignorant, selfish boy. In past relationships, I didn't realize that the small, supposedly-innocent kiss would lead to battle of raging lust inside of me. I would quickly rush home and take the cold showers or try to go meditate in Scripture so I wouldn't have to respond to the rage of lust burning within me. I couldn't find any way to quench the flames of lust in me, and I failed to recognize that I was to blame for all of it. I would tell myself that I was "strong" enough to handle raging fire. Then, I would realize that I was only fooling myself. It wasn't until I sat with the Holy Spirit that I began to understand the reasoning behind the lust raging within me. The Holy Spirit taught me this simple truth: It is easier to put out a small flame than it is to put out a raging fire. After that conversation with Him, I realized I had to do something different. I realized I had to stop feeding the small flame. That was the only way it would not grow into a raging fire. That meant I had to stop doing things like watching pornography, kissing, listening to trashy, sensual music, etc. My only excuse for wanting to continue doing what I wanted was: "It's not that big of a deal! It's just a kiss!" If you've ever been bit by a mosquito, you know that small things can leave a lasting effect on you. I had to mature and realize that I couldn't allow ignorance to lead me any longer. And, I had to realize that "will power" isn't real. In fact, "will" has no "power"! The power I needed to quench that rage of lust was only found in Christ and no one or nothing else.

2. I desired for my wife to respect me as a man. I've met many married men who've said they wished their wives would respect them. I didn't want to be any of those men. I'll never forget the Holy Spirit talking to me about respect. I was sitting in my man cave in my home when He began to deal with me about my then-future wife respecting me. He told me I needed to give her a reason to desire to respect me. He stated that if I could give her a reason, He would fulfill the rest. Well, I decided on many reasons; however, the main reason was not kissing my wife until we got married. I had no clue if what He told me would work, but I chose to trust Him at His word. After we got married, my wife looked at me and told me that she respected me as a man for keeping my word and not kissing her. She told me that for years she disrespected men because she had no respect for them. She explained that it was mainly because the men didn't give her a reason to respect them. She stated that they did whatever she wanted them to do when she wanted them to do it. My decision to wait until marriage gave her a reason to want to respect me. As the Holy Spirit promised to me, He did the rest.

3. God said so. We are to be led of God in all that we do. I didn't sit around and come up with a plan of what I was going to do when I met my wife. In fact, meeting Heather was a total surprise to me. I wasn't out searching for a wife. It's like God presented her to me in the same way he presented Eve to Adam. In fact, it was as if she was cut from my rib. The moment I met her, I knew she was my wife. Since I realized this wasn't my doing, I knew I couldn't rely on my old mindset to make this relationship successful. As Heather went to the bathroom, I stood outside having a conversation with the Lord. He instructed me to tell her that I wouldn't kiss her. I think I was just as shocked as Heather, but I was determined to obey God. In doing so, He graced me throughout the entire 1 year and 8 months to remain solid to the commitment I made to Him and to my wife.



4. When you honor God, He'll honor you. I didn't know this truth until now. I have seen how God has honored us because we honored His words to us. We have had countless opportunities to tell our story around this world from California to Dubai. We've criss-crossed the U.S. doing different interviews telling and showing people that it is possible not to do things like those in the "world". In some cases, we have been the example for some to follow. Some didn't think it could be done, but we showed them it could. Couples have made new commitments to each other and God after hearing our testimony. That's an awesome thing considering all we did was honor God at His word. It's amazing to see how God is honoring us because we have honored His word. Come, my friends, and taste and see that the Lord is good. Honor His word(s). I'm confident that He will honor you! You don't have to take me at my word. Just look at my life.

5. I didn't want to defile what didn't belong to me. This may come off rather harsh, but I must be truthful. If Heather was any ole girl in the world, it may have been a different story. If I suspected that the relationship was all about sex and fun, we probably wouldn't be together right now. I didn't see Heather the same way I saw other people. It was like God opened my eyes to her at His time. I didn't see myself just pursuing sex and playing around with her emotions. I saw more than that in her. If she was just some person on the corner, I would've gotten what I wanted and bounced. This wasn't the case here though. I realized that this one truth: Heather didn't belong to me. Heather was not my wife. She belonged to our Heavenly Father, and didn't want to defile anyone who belonged to Him. It was my perverted mind that didn't care about everyone else. I recognize it's wrong, but it was my reality. I realized that Heather was special, and she was worth the wait. Because of God's grace, I was able to not defile her. I was able to treasure her and have presented to me a bride that I honored, cherished, and loved.

6. I wanted the kiss to mean something. How many times have you gone to a wedding and seen the kiss? Have you ever wondered if that was there first kiss? Probably not. That's because we usually don't wait until we get to the alter to kiss. That's a myth in some people's minds. Most times, the kiss at the altar is only a continuation of the kisses the couple has shared throughout the entire relationship. In fact, it probably doesn't even top the kisses the couple has shared in bed before their walk down the aisle. Well, I didn't want my wedding to be that way. I wanted the kiss to signify a sacred union sealed for eternity. I wanted the kiss to have honor, class, and dignity. I wanted the moment of our kiss to be special, and I wanted everyone in attendance to feel honored to be able to witness the moment. In fact, it was special to me. As we stood there in the courtyard, the preacher pronounced us husband and wife and told us to kiss. At that moment, a misty rain began to fall on us as if tears were falling on us both. My wife and I came close and locked lips for the first time. Everyone in attendance was clapping and cheering. It was a very special moment. It was my prayer at that moment that God was glorified because of our decision.

7. Develop emotionally instead of physically. Some of my best arguments were ended in passionate kissing in my past relationships. We probably didn't come to a resolution, but it didn't matter because, at the time, I felt like we discovered something better. (I'm sure you know what that 'something' was.) I wasn't able to develop emotionally with any of my past relationships because I was training myself to develop physically. Each time I got into an argument, I would use the solution of a kiss, which led to other things, to mean that I was sorry. This forced me never to be able to articulate my feelings. In the relationship with my wife, I didn't give myself that option. This forced me to have to do something I hated to do, TALK! It forced me to discuss with my wife how I was feeling and what I was thinking. It stretched me a lot. I couldn't just go grab her, hold her close, and passionately kiss her. I had to learn to develop emotionally, and that year and 8 months was a huge time of development. What we fail to realize is that our much "talking" helps to create a strong emotional bond between each other. This is why people often say that you need to do a lot of talking when you meet someone. Talking helps two people grow closer together. It helps them connect with each other on a very sincere level. Oftentimes, we confuse our much talking with someone as love. I've heard of countless relationships between a guy and a girl in which they "fell in love" because of some kind of "connection". That connection is no secret! Here's the thing: You learn to love what gives to you the most. If you spend your time giving of yourself (through your words) you begin to develop a strong relationship with the other person. This is why it's important for a guy and a girl, who are not pursing marriage, to be friends. The giving of very personal, intimate things can lead to one of the two individuals "catching feelings for each other". Nonetheless, the communication was difficult for me, but I wouldn't change it for anything.






I'll stop there for now. I'll continue this and also do a blog on what we did in our relationship that kept us true to our word. I'll talk about the boundaries we set, the prayers we made, and the times we just had to deny our flesh. Make sure you subscribe to get the latest posts. Until next time, #RaisedFist! Visit www.theoathmovement.com to join our movement for the world by men founded on God.


Join me and/or my wife on Sunday and Tuesday evenings at 7:00pm(CT)/8:00pm(ET) for Tele-Church. My wife and I focus on marriage and relationships on Tuesday evenings; however, you never know what we may teach. Any and everyone is invited to join in with us. To join, simply dial (641) 715-3620. The code is 266274#. Please visit www.thegonow.com for more information. For other messages from either me or my wife, check our website or subscribe to our podcast on iTunes by clicking here àhttp://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-gathering-oasis/id487220990.

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54 comments:

  1. Amazing. Thanks for sharing our story honey. I love you.

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  3. Hey dollface!! This is Flo!! I didn't know you were on blogspot..I, too, have a blog here..oh well no, it's not as meaningful as yours, but oh well it's fun when the mood strikes..my earlier blogs were fun, but I let too much time pass w/o writing.

    I sooo enjoyed this blog about your reasons for holding off the first kiss. I fell in love with my husband because of our first kiss (5th date)..before that kiss aka rocket to the moon..I thought of him as a pal, a friend. No interest otherwise..but that kiss..va va voom!!! Yeah us old people can lust too..but we held off til marriage. You are so right, this creates trust knowing someone has self control and is trying to please God and not just himself. Love you my friend. I'm gonna follow you on here if that's ok.

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  4. @Heather - I love you!
    @Flo - Hey! Please let me know your blog name! You're so awesome, Flo. Love you!

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  5. Hey! I love your blog and your writing. I was wondering if you would love to be a contributing writer to my magazine. It is a new inspirational magazine. We are still building it up and are looking for amazing writers like yourself to contribute to the magazine. You can email me at duwaphotos@gmail.com. Looking forward to hearing from you God Bless.

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  6. I have one word for you and that is wow! This is breathe taking and powerful. You and your wife are restoring hope into people and allowing God to move through you two. You guys inspire me and I mean that through the depths of my heart. I love you guys and keep it coming!

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  7. Well written. Beautiful...

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  8. This is an amazing story. To see that this is done in current times and initiated by a man is very very encouraging for young women like myself who are striving to walk a different path than most. It makes me so happy to see more people openly discuss their faith & the sacrifices they've made (esp pertaining to the world) in order to yield to the Lord. May God continue to bless you and your wife, Heather. Looking forward to reading more from you!

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  9. Beatiful and amazing testimony. I too have made a decision recently to also not kiss until I am married as like you blog has stated it can lead onto other things and previously it has so I would prefer not to and also save it until our Wedding day ;oD. xXx

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  10. Beautiful...my boyfriend and I have made the same commitment to each other and I admire him so much for his decision to honor God. Thanks for sharing!

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  11. This is absolutely beautiful and so meaningful. I would love to have you and your wife at one of my Black Youth Awareness sessions. This is what the people need to hear about "True Love". The Respect and Honoring of God. I will be following you. May God continue to Bless You and Your Wife.

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  12. WOW! This is BEAUTIFUL! I have considered this with my future husband as well! I will begin to pray that God puts this beautiful commitment on his heart before we meet! :) Thanks for sharing your story, being a great example to follow and obeying God! May God continue to bless you and your beautiful wife!

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  13. Praise God(: this is an amazing testimony! PURE LOVE starts with being completely devoted to God, for God is LOVE!!! Thank you for sharing your love story!

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  14. Thnk you so mch! We decided to kip the kiss 4 the wedding and this has jst been a gr8 encouragement to kip to our promise. We always wnted to honour God with our relationship and this is a gr8 way. Thnk you

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  15. Beautiful!To God be the Glory!Thank you for sharing your story.This is & was a blessing.

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  16. Wow!!!!! Thank you for sharing your story with the world! My husband and I too, waited to share our first kiss at the alter:D All of your reasons why you waited were our sames ones too, except we did not hear from God, we just wanted to honor him. And our lives are soooooo blessed cause we started off right. I have so much respect for my husband for respecting me during our courtship, and even more now as we both have grown together in the Lord. Keep being a light in this dark world and continue to share you story cause people NEED to hear this. May God bless you with many years of blissful marriage!

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  17. :-)) Amazing! Simply Amazing...GOD revealed this to me at such a young age...never been kissed/ never will kiss...until my wedding day for pretty much the same reasons. GOD of wonders is truly doing wonders!lool GOD bless you two <3

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  18. This has been happening for years. My wife and I dated almost 3 years before our first kiss on our wedding day. We even went as far as creating a purity convenant that we shared with our friends so they can hold us accountable. I am glad to see this conviction is spreading to other ministries. Continue to glorify God...Jesus is Lord!

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  19. My pastor back in the day told me about the whole "waiting to kiss" thing and the emotional investing. I was 15 at the time and it seemed like a wonderful and fairly easy idea.

    I am a guy. I understand that you can wait to kiss your wife. But has there been any foreplay? What about sex?

    As long as the female gives the approval for her mate to masturbate I see no problem with this at all. Because let's be real, all guys masturbate. Whether it's once a week or 8 times a week. If you don't then you must be sexually dead, lying or have some problems down there. If a prayer could take away morning wood or raging lust, that prayer would be said in a heartbeat.

    This is not a joke. I see some comments have been removed but I this is a legitimate comment to the article. Sorry if I dark clouded this article. Sexual exploration is a whole other topic.

    But congratulations you guys.

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  20. Chris, your comment isn't dark, and I haven't removed anyone's comments. The removed comments have been removed voluntarily. I was clear in saying that lust raged in me. And, I can't agree with you in saying that "all" guys do something considering the fact that I don't know "all" guys. I, like many of the guys I know, responded to my lust inappropriately. This was one of the main reasons why I could not entice myself by kissing my wife until the right time. Was I perfect? Heck no! However, I knew one thing was clear. I was going to please God even if my flesh didn't want to. Chris, I'm more than willing to continue this conversation with you offline. Feel free to email me at askcornelius@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

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  21. Hy lm from zimbabwe,in africa.lm truly inspired and lm jealous about your peace and joy.just wish ol the idiots l date would honour God and not defile what belongs to him.but l allow them to right?its not easy l hope when l meet my husband it too wiuld be unexpacted..l love suprises from God.wish you eternal happiness

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  22. beautiful!!! :)

    Is that pastor creflo dollar in the background?

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  23. What about if me and my bf (well we are courting) already kissed? Does that mean its all already ruined?

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  24. @Julissa - Absolutely not! It's not ruined. God's grace is available, and it never fails us. I know people who have done some things they regret before getting married, but they worked through it. Their marriages are strong today. There are many ways to get to a destination. My wife and I chose to take one that was more disciplined and edifying to God. We know a lot of couples who have already kissed, but they're making an OATH and a PINKY PROMISE to just work on their relationship right now. We can't bet ourselves up over what we didn't know, but we can change things for the better based on what we do know. Bless you!

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  25. Iv only dated once nd I know my ex wanted this bt he didn't share d dream wt me until after we'd kissed. Needless to say, it didn't end well. I'm hoping my future husband sees this and commits to it! So worth it to please our heavenly Father! :D. Thanks so much for sharing this!

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  26. Well that's really inspiring and I do hope God will continue to show favour on you and your wife,well there is a guy who commented and said all guys masturbate,well I for one don't masturbate but I would be lieing if I say those sexual emotions don't really overwhelm me and it takes a huge deal of distraction to actually overcome and sometimes you just give in,honestly I would also want that kind of relationship based on respect,trust and friendship but man the world is full of liars,backstubbers and you just find it easy to go with the flow,I have tried to build a relationship based on virtues but eventually you find out elsewhere that the partner is not who you think they are and pretend to be one with the course,to sum it all up,I am confused on what to believe now,

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  27. Wowest :) God is truly amazing. I pray that my bf and I strive to live up to His word

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  28. Hey! I made the (slightly reluctant) decision to not kiss or have sexual contact prior to marriage a year or so ago. Up until now I've felt a little uncertain about it, but it's so encouraging to know that other people have actually done this and kept true to their convictions. It has definitely given me new zeal to keep true to mine and pray through what God has laid on my heart. Thank you!! Lots of love from the UK xxx

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  29. God bless you and your wife so much for you kept his word

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  30. As a man pursuing Christ first and foremost, I have been seriously contemplating doing the same thing once I enter into a relationship. Thanks for the inspiration.

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  31. This blog entry was so inspiring, especially to me as a woman. This not only reaffirms my belief of the type of man I deserve, but also the type of woman I want to be as a child of God.

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  32. thanks for sharing your story. when I tell people that I don't plan on kissing my wife (who I haven't met yet) until I get married, they typically look at me like I'm insane. hearing the benefits of it from your perspective only reaffirms my commitment.

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  33. Wow, Wow Wow, who does these things in this day and age, it is almost as if you guys fell from heaven. Dating this way is not the norm,I am quite sure it wasn't easy for you to date in this manner.only Jesus can help a person do these things. My question is did someone teach u to date in this way, or u felt led to do things this way? Plus did you ever feel tempted to give-in to the flesh? if so how did you handle it?

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  34. Wow!! All I can say is for whatsoever is born of God overcomes the world.. Thanks for sharing your story. I am inspired and motivated that patience is not the ability to wait; but how you react while you're waiting. Love you

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  35. Thank you for posting this. I am still in my mid teens and am waiting til im eighteen to date/court. So im not in a romantic relatilnship at the moment but i have decided to wait to kiss for the exact reasons youve stated. Ive been told i wont follow through, that i cant follow through and that its completely weird and crazy thinking. Ive been told its hypocritical because im only doing it to show how great i am! Its not true. None of it. Im doing this for God, and so i can see (through more than just sex and kissing) that my husband loves me. I want to know he cherishes my soul and not just my body. I want us to have a solid relationship outside of anything physical. Like you said i want him to know the inside of me. I want to feel free to articulate my feelings and belifes and problums to him. Thank you for this. I was starting to think i would never find a man that would wait for me. I was starting to think that i was setting myself up to be an old maid all alone. Youve given me hope that there are men out there and not just women who have chosen to love the inner person by showing that they can love only that part and dont need some physical bonus to go with it! Again thank you :)

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  36. Wow, this is amazing! Thanks for sharing, this story has opened my eyes by His grace, I choose to follow after your example.

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  37. It's a joy to see such great sacrifice for future benefits. My soon-to-be husband and I have been courting for 4 years now. Our first kiss will be at the altar in less than 6 months. You did it for 1 year, 8 months. We've done it for 4 years and counting! It's only by the grace of God that we've made it this far. And all other aspects of our relationship now have a firm foundation - emotional, mental, spiritual. The physical aspect shouldn't take too long to catch up to the other aspects, right?!

    God bless y'all.

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  38. this is an amazing fact. challenging the flesh, commanding it, making it understand that it is in fact under your control. it is all about God being our guide and being disciplined-doing something worth it against that which is not worth while. i have been filled with joy to see how far our intimate relationships with the holy spirit can do for us. HEARTHER, YOU TWO ARE AN INSPIRATION...BE BLESSED

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  39. i like....it is worth the wait..what people dont like saying is that kissing is actually foreplay..hence God designed it for marriage..i am proud n glad that i too waited to kiss n to be kissed at the alteer.#raisedfist#.such an honour..God bless you

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  40. Thank you Cornelius, you don't know how much reading this means to me. Made me reconsider so many things. I appreciate it immensely.

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  41. Forture its worth while if u wait for Gods time.

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  42. This is really really inspiring! I'm also undertaking this journey and I feel much encouraged. Thank you.

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  43. Thank you so much for the inspiration to live a better life for Christ. God Bless
    Lillian

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  44. Truly inspiring :) May God bless and sustain your marriage.

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  45. a great example and encouragement

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  46. I celebrate both of you.Thanks for sharing this with us.We made the same commitment in our relationship.We want to be examples for believers.We'll be 2 years next month.It may look archaic but that's the heart of God.I'm glad we aren't alone.

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  47. I want to respond to say thanks for your article! And also respond to Chris who probably wont look at this.... but conquering sexual desires IS possible. Is it easy? NO way! But it is most defiantely possible to resist our flesh & submit to God. It is also an incredible way for women who have a high sex drive to start practicing submission to Gods word now so that when they get married they will understand submission to their spouse. Yes, the desires are there for men & women. We can not force the desires to go away. But we CAN choose to submit to Gods word. He says that no temptation is ever too strong & that he will always be there to help us. I used to be a girl who thought that the only "love" I could get was by having sex. I am now broken free from those chains & lies- Praise God! :D But, It starts with having an accountability partner & being open and real with people who can help! Little by little by Gods grace its possible. I give incredible respect to men who love their significant other enough to wait to kiss her. She IS Gods daugher & your sister in Christ until you become married! :) Way to go! Love this article!!

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  48. You and Heather are soooo blessed! I love the fact that u talked about your past lives before you clung to God and made the commitment. So many people need this confidence. They need to understand that the very moment they confess their sins (talking about fornication) to God, they become virgins in His eyes. Let no one term " prostitute" He whom God has called "pure". Hallelujah.

    The devils knows he is fully defeated when you can confidently testify about your darkest past. Most especially because he wouldn't have what to threaten you with. #defeatedfoe.

    Keep up the good works! God bless your marriage.

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  49. I read this last year and my (then) boyfriend and I (we had dated for about three months) decided to take a step of faith and honor God. I thank God that we did! Almost a year later, we have remained faithful by His grace and now we are engaged...getting married this December! I look forward to that kiss:-)I have shared this with so many of my friends and I know it has made a difference.

    God bless you.

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  50. Wow....Thank you for sharing this! My name is Brenda and I have been on my journey of celibacy for almost 3 years now (the end of September). In the beginning it was very hard when God asked me to do this (and still is) but God shows me when I am weak He is made strong. My family and friend make jokes about my decision all the time but I know that it's more important to please God then what man think about me. I don't even have the urge to date and my prayer has been that God makes my encounter with my husband to be unique but more so glorifying to Him. I've learned so much in my singleness about who I am as a woman but most importantly who I am in God. So often I witness those around me that settle as I did in past relationships or don't recognize their true value by staying with someone they no is not sent by God for the sake of saying they have someone. God told me He wanted to use me to be an example to those around me what it means to truly wait on Him, trust Him and totally rely on Him.

    Your story has taking my vow to God to another level. Why? Well, because I too know who I use to be and the mistakes I've made in past relationship. If you want something different you need to do something different. I know my weaknesses and I know what can happen if I even flirt with the deceiving thought "I CAN HANDLE IT". I'm very aware to how my flesh reacts even with a "little" kiss. What seems so little isn't so little. My mind can run faster then my flesh can and before that kiss is over I can think of a whole love scene in my mind and soon after my flesh will follow. Lets just be real!! I have made that vow to God tonight after reading this I too will not kiss my man of God before marriage when He presents Him to me. Nothing can be more fulfill when my day come when my friends and family can see that God is real and He can/will give them the desires of they heart if they too delight in Him.

    This is so refreshing!!! I thank you for sharing and allowing God to use you and for many like me who's main goal is to glorify God, raise the standards of relationship in this day in age, and allowing God to use us to share with the world that relationships should have a greater purpose that surpasses the common love between a man and woman. To God be the glory!! Blessings to you and your man of God.

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  51. Thank you so much for sharing, this is very deep and a lot of us needed to hear that to continue our journey.. may God bless your mariage.

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  52. Something i definitely needed to hear, given my current situation...thank you for bring obedient and sharing your testimony. God bless you and your wife! marriage is a beautiful thing if done in the Lord.

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