Thursday, December 18, 2014

Confessions of a Womanizer

I was a horrible man who used and abused people. My relationship with certain people was wrong—very wrong. Let me explain.

I used people for my pleasure. Most times, I did not use them physically; I used them emotionally. I tried to hide my actions because I did not want others to know about them. I have done so many terrible things in my life. I chose to expose this part of my past so I could possibly spare women who are currently in this situation or stop men who are placing women in this situation. My personal account goes a little something like this…

I preyed on a woman’s emotional and nurturing nature. I started living on my own at age nineteen. My job at that time would require some travel and long hours. Although I knew how to cook and clean, I did not desire to do it. Instead, I would ask women—many of them I knew from my past in some way—to come to my home to cook and clean for me. My only payment to some of them was the idea that one day we could have a relationship. I became really good at selling them a dream I knew I never intended to fulfill. It is like giving someone a check while knowing beforehand that there is not enough money in the account to cash it. Many of those women liked the idea of helping me in my home because they thought our relationship could be more than what it was. They thought that way because I led them to believe it. I capitalized on their vulnerabilities and insecurities. They would expose their weaknesses and insecurities during our regular conversations. We were "friends." I used the idea of "friendship" between us to open the door to intimate conversation--the sharing of vulnerabilities and insecurities. That information should have been kept private for a man who was mature and "man enough" to honor and marry her. I was not that man, but I was not going to let her know that. The art of deception is to mix a little truth with a lot of lies. The goal is to get the victim to believe the truth so they will eventually believe the lies. Knowing this, I would say things like, "I don't know why you're single. You're definitely perfect to be a wife. I know I'm intrigued!" A naive woman who is caught in emotional bondage with a man would probably read those words and think nothing is wrong with them. A wise woman notices many issues. First, I marginalized her femininity to that of being a wife. Is she more than just her relationship title? I'd like to think so! Secondly, I gave her false hope ("I know I'm intrigued.") And false hope brings on real bondage. It is a trap! Thirdly, I gave her what she wanted to hear ("You're definitely perfect to be a wife.") without making any kind of commitment to her. There is much more, but we will go on. When I learned of their hurt from the past (how they felt misused, their insecurities based on the way they looked, their desire to be in a relationship, their loneliness, etc.), I capitalized on it by making them believe I actually cared. Heartless and cold? I know! I did just enough to keep them in my control. I bought them flowers at the right time, knew the right text messages to send, etc. Each manipulated act was sculpted a certain way depending on the woman in question.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Have you ever heard of that saying? I used that saying for my own manipulative ways. Let's say their idea of marriage was the fish. I dangled the fish (the idea of marriage or a relationship) over them. I knew a hungry stomach would do or accept anything to be fulfilled. My objective was to keep them hungry and to make them think I could fulfill them.

I was a pig, and I can freely admit it now. I was really good at hiding the women from one another. Being that I was always the clean-cut guy, I was not the usual suspect for such behavior. I freely admit that I had a big problem--a mental problem. I enjoyed the control I had. I enjoyed it more than the sex I could get from them. The sex was easy to get. The chase was more entertaining than the catch. I wanted to see how long I could keep the control over the women. Unfortunately, the women never really found out. My girlfriend at the time—who was not my now-wife—did not find out about it either. I knew how to play one woman against the other. I learned there could be nothing deeper than a woman’s anger towards another woman she perceives as a threat to something or someone she wants. I would fabricate lies to tell the women over and over again to cause strife and division. It led to many friendships ending over things that did not really happen. I used the old method of “divide and conquer” to keep my manipulative ways alive, keep the women answering to my call, and keep them divided.

The Gathering Oasis Church

It is not difficult to know if a woman is in that situation right now. Here are some indicators for her to determine if she is:

-->He does not introduce you to his core group of friends or family. This concept is simple. A king loves to showcase whatever or whoever is valuable to him. He is hiding you because he does not truly value you.
>He insults and belittles you. This is a common tactic of an abuser. He tortures you with words and tears you down with the intention of building you back up the way he desires. The insults are used to break you. Run from these kinds of people.
-->He wants to know your constant movements and know who you are talking to. He wants to make sure his image and reputation is not soiled by you through conversation with your family or friends. Oftentimes, he will recommend that you end certain friendships or lose contact with family members if he feels like the person(s) serve as a threat to his manipulative operation.
-->He keeps you away from truth and always discredits anyone in your life that serves as an influence to you. Influence is powerful, and he knows just how powerful it is. He does not desire to have some of it; he wants all of it! Therefore, he destroys and discredits anyone who has the potential to shed light on your darkened situation. He discourages you from assembling with believers, attending religious services, reading certain books and blogs, and so much more. He pulls you away from God. In fact, he pushes you more to himself and his control. He destroys the character and credibility of people who have the potential of righteously influencing you in an attempt to elevate his influence in your life. He knows that his voice must be the only voice you listen to. That gives him total control.
-->He preys on your emotions and expectations. He knows your insecurities and weaknesses. He systematically uses your very real emotions against you by making you think you need to fill the voids in your life with him, not God. For example, he knows you are lonely. He works hard to convince you that he is the void-filler for your loneliness. He knows that you desire to be married. That is your expectation. He preys on that truth by continuing to feed you words to make you think he is still considering you as his potential bride.

There are so many other things I did, but I truly believe those five methods I listed could help some woman realize the bondage she has found herself. Freedom is possible. Escape his grasp by cutting off all communication. There is no need to communicate your departure. He has ruined your life for far too long; do not give him another opportunity to convince you that he is true to you by preying on your vulnerabilities. I knew some of the women would not leave. I preyed on that fact. When they got upset with me I would tell them I knew they would not leave. Guess what? They did not leave. Prove him wrong! Leave! Now! Then cut off all communication.

Thanks for reading! I share my life in hopes that it can bless others and show them that transparency can be a true act of freedom. I willingly judge myself for my actions. I ask that you do not judge my new life I have found in Christ on my old way of living. That is my past, and I do not live there anymore. Christ changed my address. He can change you as well.

It took an encounter with Christ to change me. Do not think you can change that man. Only Christ can truly change him. He needs prayer. Because of his abusive state, he needs God more than he needs you. Do not think you can change him. Man changes the actions of the beast; Christ changes the nature of the beast.


The Men's Conference 2015


  1. Amazing read!! Thank you for sharing your story

  2. Wish I read this 2 years ago! Lol however God removed a man like that out of my life. This was a great read!